What I've Learned Since Becoming a Parent

This upcoming Monday I will have been a Dad for 5 years.  Kinda hard to believe, when I think about it.  I still remember getting the phone call one snowy morning on my way to a Triathlon Training Camp when Sarah told me she was pregnant.  I was struck with a thousand emotions - joy, anxiousness, excitement, and fear just to name a few.  It's not like Sarah's pregnancy came out of no where.  We were definitely trying to get pregnant.  We felt we were as ready as ever.  But at 24 (at the time we found out), I started having second thoughts.  Did we really do everything we wanted to before we started our family?  Were we financially ready to have kids?  Will I be a good Dad?  Was I truly ready?

But here we are, 5 years later, and honestly, I can't even imagine my life without my daughters.  I look back over the past years and sure it may only be five years, but my life has completely changed.  I am no where near where I thought I would be.  So much has changed.  I am now 30, after marrying my High School Sweetheart, we have 3 daughters, a dog, 2 cats, and 2 guinea pigs....all in a 3 bedroom, 1,200 sq ft house.  Sarah has been at job in Green Bay for 8 years, while I have had 2 completely opposite careers, a Fitness Director and now a Police Officer (yea, never saw that one).  None-the-less, the decisions we have made over the years, have grown and shaped myself and my family directly to where we are today.  A common interview question I have faced over the years is, "What is your biggest regret in life?"  I have answered this question the same every time.  I often feel as though the interviewer thinks I am avoiding the question, or taking the easy way around the question, but I respond the same way every single time - "I honestly have no regrets.  Each and every decision I have made throughout my life has shaped my life to be exactly what it is today, and honestly, I would have it no other way.  Instead of sitting and regretting on decisions I choose to learn from them and accept them."  Now, as I sit here, a father of 3, a husband, I am sharing some of the lessons I have learned over the past 5 years of parenthood.  Because simply put, I love my wife - I love my daughters - I love my life.

1. Be Prepared to Make Sacrifices

This shouldn't be a real big surprise, but truthfully, you need to be prepared to make sacrifices.  Your life is no longer that important.  Your child's life is now the priority.  Your job is to be there for them.  It's a balancing act.  Have I given up on the life I had prior to having kids, absolutely not.  But, I most certainly don't have the bike I wish I did, nor do I do all the races I want to.  I have made the necessary sacrifices to make my kids life as enjoyable as I can while retaining some sense of sanity.

2. Never Judge Another Parent

Before I was a parent, I remember being out to dinner or out shopping and then I would be distracted by a crying, screaming child.  I would immediately think to myself, "good lord, why can't he/she control their kid."  Or, "Why don't they <insert your better idea here.>"  After having our first daughter, I immediately decided to never sit and criticize or judge another parent.  Personally, I have no idea what they are going through at that moment in time.  I don't know their story.  All I can do, is concern myself with my parenting.  This isn't easy, especially when you see some questionable parenting decisions.  I can only speak for myself and my decisions.  Granted this does not include the parents who choose to smoke in a car with an infant, feed their 2 year old Mountain Dew at 12:30am while making a Wal-Mart run for more beer.  These decisions are obviously stupid. 

3. Don't Blink

Kenny Chesney said it perfectly in his song, "Don't Blink."  But, it seems as though no matter how fast life seems to be going by before kids, it goes 10 times faster after having kids.  It honestly feels like I went to bed a 23 year old, happy, newly married man, and woke up this morning to the screaming cries of a 6 month old.  Where the hell did my life go?  Cherish each and every day, as frustrating as some days may be, it's only a moment in time and will soon pass.  I guarantee there will be a day when I look back wishing to be right where I am today.

4. Lead by Example

I definitely took this for granted.  But it didn't take long to realize that kids watch your every move and listen to EVERY.  SINGLE.  WORD.  I remember one day we were driving to Bay Beach (local amusement park) when Maya was flinging around her blanket pet, saying, "F#cking bunny, f#cking bunny..."  At first, Sarah and I thought she was saying, "Funny bunny."  At least that's what we wanted to be hearing.  Not quite.  It was at that immediate point I realized I needed to clean up my language...fast.  This is a good thing through.  It provides us the opportunity to shape our children's lives to set them up for success throughout their live.  I show my kids how to stay active, never quit, eat healthy, and learn from mistakes.  As a dad of three girls, I do my best to show them how a girl should be treated, so they know what to expect from a boy when (heaven forbids) that day comes.

5.  Be There for Them at All Times

Kids are just like you and I, they have their good days and bad days.  The big difference is they don't have the ability to properly cope with their emotions.  They need extra love and support.  They may need an extra hug or just that reassurance that you love them and are there for them.  Most often, it's just a simple task such as looking at them in the eye and saying "I love you."  You also need to show them you care.  Sarah and I sign our kids up for a lot of classes and activities.  Often, it becomes easy to start to skip going to their classes or events.  Or going and sitting on our iPhones.  But, it's one thing to simply go, but to be engaged in your child's activity means so much to them.  It shows them you care.  I have found it gives them confidence - they enjoy their time more when you are there supporting them.  It makes a huge difference, trust me.

6. There are Different Levels of Love

I was definitely in love when I got engaged to Sarah.  My love continued to grow right up to our marriage.  It still grows each and and every day.  But, when we had Maya, I experienced a whole new level of love, the love of your child.  This love far beyond exceeds the love of your partner.  I never thought I would love anyone or anything more than I loved my wife, but then I did.  It's difficult to explain the love of your own child.  The best way I can describe it, is your significant other is another person who you truly care about and would do anything for; but your child is truly a part of you, you see yourself in them.  They are so innocent and vulnerable.  I would do anything for my kids and would give anything for them to be happy, successful, and healthy.  The love I have for my kids by far exceeds the love I have for my wife.  I guarantee she would say the same thing about me and I am not at all offended.

7. Non-Parents Just Don't Understand

Where I work, there are a bunch of younger guys who don't even have girlfriends, let alone children.  Most of them simply do not understand the responsibility having a kid is.  Most people, know and accept that raising a kid is no easy task, but really don't understand everything that goes on behind the scenes.  There is the obvious late, sleepless nights and being constantly needed.  But, most people never consider the struggle of finding childcare, especially last minute, the struggles of just getting ready to go run errands, or the struggle of simply getting a kid to eat a meal they just devoured the night before.  Simply put, it's not as easy as a non-parent thinks....it just isn't.

8. Patience is a Necessity

This should go without saying, but without patience, you'll end up a stressed, worn-out wreck.  Plan on telling your kid about 16 times before they actually decide to start thinking about doing what you ask them to.  Then expect them to lose their focus another 23 times before the task is completed.  On top of that, be prepared to have your plans completed ruined at least 2 or 3 times.  I remember just this past year, we were planning on leaving to go camping after Sarah got home from work around 4pm on a Thursday.  I had the camper and car all packed up and was all ready to leave.  However, while I was packing Delaney had fallen asleep in our bed, which was actually a good thing...at that time.  Then, just as Sarah and I were loading Maya and Harper in the car, Delaney woke up crying...she peed in our bed.  So much for leaving on time.  The truth is, these type of things happen every single day.  You just learn to deal with life's little mishaps.  Just be patient.

9. Learn to Compromise

This goes more for you and your significant other.  After having Maya, Sarah and I have both mastered the skill of compromising.  Our day-to-day life is filled with, "I'll feed Harper, if you get dinner going for the other two," or, "If you mow the lawn today, I'll get the kids ready tomorrow morning so you can get your bike ride in."  The fact of the matter is raising kids is a team effort.  I couldn't imagine raising one kid on my own let alone three, and seriously bow down to single parent households.  Sarah and I have learned to compromise to allow us both to lead a somewhat normal life outside of our parenting-life.  I am able to train and race, while she is able to spend time with the girls and her friends while I get stuff down around the house.  It's all about sharing the responsibilities.

10. Do Things as a Family

One thing Sarah and I have always promised ourselves, was that we would not become a family that goes on lock-down just because we started a family.  Sure we have stopped doing certain things after having kids, but anything that we thought we could do with our kids we did.  We brought Delaney to a Minor League Baseball game just three days after her birth.  We brought Maya to Boston at a 18 months.  We brought both girls to Mexico last year when Maya was 3 and Delaney was 2.  In our opinion, it not only brings us closer as a family, but it exposes our kids to so much more than other kids.  I believe our kids are better for these experiences.  They learn how to behave in various situations.  We have never said, "We can't go there, because of our kids," and frankly, never will.  

Thankful is Happiness

OK, I do not want this post to be cliche.  Throughout the entire month I saw several people on Facebook complete a "Month of Thanksgiving," where they did a post each and everyday from November 1st until Thanksgiving, stating something they were thankful for.  Some of the items were unique, but most of the things were your typical things in life that you in fact should be thankful for.  This Thanksgiving I don't want to be cliche, I don't want to write what everyone already knows.  If I were to come on here and say how thankful I am for my wife and kids, my job, and a nice house to keep us warm, I would be no different than just about everybody else.  And, really, what would I be saying?  It is so easy and cliche to simply say I am thankful for....(fill in the blank).  But, is it sincere?  Is it from the heart?  What the hell does it even mean to be thankful?  I was left wondering what it means to be thankful the evening before thanksgiving.  As Sarah, Maya, Delaney, and myself sat down for dinner the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I thought it would be a good idea for each of us to say something we are thankful for.  So as I am introducing this idea to the girls, Maya quickly asks, "What's thankful?"  Huh, I thought for a minute, to try and put what it means to be thankful into words a four year old can understand.  "Well, it means something that makes you happy," I said.  "You are thankful for things that you like and that make you happy."  I think she understood, as she responded, "Oh OK," with a big smile.  So, we went from youngest to oldest and started with Delaney.  I looked to her and asked, "What are you thankful for, what makes you happy, Delaney?"  She sat there for a second or two with a smile to think.  A short while later, she yells out, "Daddy!"  It almost brought a tear to my eye.  It meant so much to hear that.  Delaney continued with her answer and added Wizard of OZ (her new favorite movie).  Maya was next and said, "Mommy, going places, Christmas decorations, and treats."

That entire night I had a smile on my face.  Just the idea of Delaney saying "Daddy" completely unprompted and with out any help or hints.  It sounded so genuine and heartfelt, which is the coolest part of it all.  But, it really made me think.  As simple as my explanation for the meaning of thankful was, it had a profound message.  There is so much more to being sincerely thankful for something than just saying, "I am thankful for ________."  The truth is, at the root of thankfulness is happiness.  Pretty simple, really.  

Over the past 2-3 months I have experienced a whole new level of happiness.  Ever since crossing the finish line of the Ironman Madison, I have refocused my energy towards my kids and family.  As bad as that sounds, its the truth.  Instead of sacrificing time with my family to get my workout in, I have been sacrificing workouts to spend time with my family.  I have been spending more quality time with my kids and sincerely enjoyed it.  Sarah and I have had our ups and downs over the past year and we have had are fair share of arguments.  Don't get me wrong, I think I have been a pretty damn good dad before I started IM training, and I'm sure Sarah will agree with that.  But, I think every man, goes through progressions and grows from a man into a dad.  Just like many other things in life, some guys learn and adapt to becoming a dad almost immediately, while some others don't truly become a dad until much after their children are grown up and starting families of their own.  Sadly, some men, may become fathers, but never become a dad.  I have said countless times on this blog and to many people in conversation, that finishing the Ironman has changed me.  Sure, that's true from the based on the concept of what I learned about myself through accomplishing a lifelong goal.  But, now, I think it's more true than ever.

The fact is, I am a different man today.  I feel as though going through that past year has taught me a lot about my family.  Maybe not just my family, but about family in general.  I learned how strong, supportive, and loving my wife is.  She gave up a year of her life for me.  I can tell you honestly right now, that there is no way in hell I could ever do that.  I learned that I have the greatest in-laws.  Sarah's family picked up where I left off.  The entire year, they helped her with the kids while I was out training.  Lisa (Sarah's sister) was especially a huge help.  She was basically a second mother for Sarah and the girls.  My parents were always willing to help out when needed as well.  I learned that my kids will love me and think I'm a hero no matter what I do, no matter what place I take, and no matter what races I compete in.  I learned that without my family, I am nothing.  Without the support of Sarah, Maya, and Delaney, I would not be able to train and race, I would not be an Ironman Finisher.  I would not be a Boston Marathon Finisher.  I would not be where I am in life without the love and support from Sarah and the kids.  Since completing the IM, I am learning to better manage my time, both with my family and my training.  Prior to the IM, I was putting my training before my family, which is no longer the case.  

It's funny that it felt as though this hit me upside the head like a brick when Delaney excitedly proclaimed that I, "Daddy!" was her thing she was most thankful for.  And then there is a true meaning of being thankful, which to me, will now forever be that which makes you most happy.  And for me, my two daughters and now soon to be three, are truly what makes me most happy.  My dad recently wrote that the love of daughters can turn an Ironman into an Irondaddy.  It is so true, but only when the Ironman is able to realize it.  I am not nearly the best dad, I am not perfect, but I am constantly learning.  Learning from my daughters, learning from my wife, and learning from my own dad.  I simply strive to be a little bit better of a dad each and every day.  I figure if I can achieve that, I'm doing alright.  I am constantly becoming more and more of a dad each and everyday.

Obviously, Thanksgiving is now behind us and we are in the homestretch heading straight for Christmas.  I have never been a huge fan of the holidays, they have just become too commercialized for my taste.  Now, don't get me wrong, I have always enjoyed giving and receiving gifts, but in general the holidays just seem to have become some other than what they should be.  But as both Maya and Delaney get a little older, the holidays have taken on a new meaning.  I have almost started to like them.  This past Tuesday Maya had a presentation at her pre-school which consisted of a few songs and a shared treat.  Later, we spent the evening at the Downtown Appleton Parade which both girls absolutely LOVED.  We then went over to my parents house for dinner, which seems to have become a tradition.  On Wednesday night, the girls and I made an Apple Pomegranate pie for Thanksgiving.  I was quite surprised that both girls helped the entire time and were actually a help as opposed to a hindrance.  On Thanksgiving Day, we were up early for another event which has become a tradition in our family, the Turkey Trot.  My dad and I participated in the 5 mile run while Sarah, the girls, and my mom, did the 2 mile walk.  Sarah has always brought Bella along for the very pet friendly "Dog Walk."  For Thanksgiving we spent the mid morning/afternoon at my parents for a family luncheon and watched the Packer game (there's 3 hours of my life I'll never get back).  I had to work Thanksgiving night so I cut out early on Thanksgiving Day to catch some sleep before work.  Coming up we have a Thanksgiving dinner at Lisa's house on Saturday night and during the day Sarah and the girls are going up to my Grandma's tree farm to cut down our Christmas tree with my parents and brother.  Ready or not, Christmas time is here... Here we go!